Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.