A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
your honor my client chooses dare
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
This January has 47 Mondays
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.