We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.