him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I have so many questions.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.