Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Siri, fight Alexa.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken