DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”