I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Put a ring on it
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship