My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.