My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
They also CAN sing✌️
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?