My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently