I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest