My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.