Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Bloody internet 😳
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*