“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea