this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me