“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Hell yeah 👍
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.