I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My what?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I will never stop laughing at this
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
courtroom exchange of the day
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.