son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.