*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Children of the corn 🌽
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I can fix him.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69