Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
so, is there a mister shapen head
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too