my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand