Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.