Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Velcrow
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby: