I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.