Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
mathematically impossible