80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??