*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.