Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Knock Knock
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything