When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
lmao
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
mentally somewhere in italy
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”