My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro