things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.