Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.