I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Single and childfree like Jesus
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Pat is about to own someone
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.