I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
🙄😏😂🤣
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.