My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
finally
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
british sex workers really pound for pound