person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My boss called in sick of me
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.