PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.