4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Yoga Matt
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.