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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
…..pretty much.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.