A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion