The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
can’t bark with your mouth full
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me too 😆
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Don’t we all.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.