[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Cardio Made Easy
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery