imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Mouse
Word.
~ Microsoft.
me opening up to someone
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.