I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?