Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
No. He’s not coming out to play
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt