*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Netflix: We have Less
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately