Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The first matador
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat