oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
This squirrel eats better than I do
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
No way!
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch