Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you