1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
describing stardew valley
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
This could be us… but you playing
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m good, thanks.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.